Newly released Obama birth certificate is fake! (UPDATED)

Click to be fooled

The big news this morning — announced in bold Helvetica by a Huffington Post alert on my iPhone — is that President Barack Hussein Obama has finally released his full, long-form, tits-to-the-wall birth certificate that is legally required for anything you do in America, from getting a driver license, to obtaining a passport, to seeing a copy of the smaller and less Constitutionally acceptable Certificate of Live Birth, like the White House foisted on us all these months and years.

So they released it and I immediately saw that something was wrong: This purported long-form "Certificate of Live Birth" doesn't list what religion Barack Hussein Obama is. Not that we don't already know, but that's how I instantly knew it was fake. The whole reason he'd spent $5 million of taxpayer money (it was thought to be $2 million, but that number was not shocking enough, so it was doubled... then tripled... but that didn't sound "round number"ish enough, so it was 2.5led) was to hide the fact that he was born a Muslim.

And while I'd hoped to have an Internet scoop (I haven't had one since I successfully scuttled Brangelina's plans to adopt an entire African country in 2009), it turns out that people who wake up earlier than we in the Hawaii-Aleutian Time Zone beat me to it:

After much of the excitement for everyone regarding Barry's birth certificate that he spent over 5 million dollars in lawyer fees to hide from the prying eye of the public. I stumbled upon someones investigation into how the newly released birth cert is in fact fake, and you can even do this yourself if you have the software to see for yourself. You see they left things in PDF format which can be imported into Adobe Illustrator. This is where things got interesting, see for yourself. This in itself shows that the birth Certificate given to the public wasn't scanned, it was pieced together digitally. Sorry, but you've been had! If you don't understand how Clipping Masks work I suggest you Google it to find out.

Damn straight, because Google knows fu¢kin' everything!

And as much as I hate to admit it, this development has firmly thrown me into the birther camp. I have looked into this issue before, and while I wanted to believe local Hawaiian officials Chiyome Fukino and Linda Lingle that they really saw this thing, they are Republicans, and ever since Iran-Contra, I don't trust Republicans.

Besides, if these state officials are incapable of fixing all the frickin' potholes in Honolulu that make this city's streets look like a lunar landscape, then how do I know they didn't muck up this task too? They probably found some guy named O'Barry's birth certificate and declared "Mission Accomplished!" (because that's something Republicans like to say).

And then I got to thinking, "Hey, self, you've lived in Hawaii for five years, have you ever encountered the Obama long-form birth certificate?"

"No!" I said back to myself. "I haven't."

And that is odd. Not even once in five years. I mean, this is a small island... I run into classmates and professors in the most obscure places. There was that Marxist student from my Stratification Theory class who was at Walmart, and my Microbiology Pathology professor at the Korean mega-spa. Sure, they were both running away and/or hiding their face in some guy's lap because they obviously didn't want me to see them (they both owe me money), but the point is that you run into people all over the place here because it's a small island (sorry for repeating myself but it's a really small island).

But yet, in all these five years, half a decade, I've never encountered Obama's birth certificate.

Come to think of it, I've never met anyone who knew Obama when he was a newborn. Sure, I run into Punahou graduates who say they were in class with him or had their ice cream scooped by him back in the day (that's not a euphemism; he actually worked at Baskin Robbins), but nobody knew him as a newborn, which is Constitutionally required for eligibility for our nation's highest office. What gives?

So yeah, with this second fake and/or inadequate "certificate of live birth," I'm firmly in the birther camp now, Mr Born-in-Kenya-as-a-Muslim Barack Hussein Obama. A few weeks ago I mocked some of my future fellow-birthers by saying that if the long-form birth certificate were released, the birther industry would quickly declare that as subterfuge as well...

What will be the call when/if that were to be released? Guaranteed, it will be called fake, and then some other supporting evidence will be demanded because the long form could be faked, etc., etc., ad nauseum .

... but now I realize ipso facto ex redacto that those pioneering birthers were just guarding our interests. They knew it would be fake because it is fake.

Holy wow! [epiphany hitting, please bear with me] The world is so much clearer when you accept birther logic. The air is fresher, the blues are bluer... the birds... I can really hear the birds.

So don't be fooled, America. Already O-bomb-America has not released his college transcripts, his passports, his senior thesis outlining an Islamo-Marxist takeover of southeastern Michigan, his ticket stub from that flight to Karachi when he was a teen, the second-grade drawing of King Kamehameha surfing that supposedly won an Honorable Mention, and other stuff he's hiding that I haven't thought of yet.

Ours is not a commander-in-chief but a counterfeit-in-chief. Not a POTUS but a pot-au-feu. I'm not sure what that means, but it's French, and ergo is bad. Very bad.

UPDATE:
All across America, people are discovering for themselves what fakery this is:

• Patriot Update (from whom I bought bumper stickers) notes that Obama is listed as African instead of Negro, which was a no-no in those pre-PC days. The PC backers of Obama are foiled by their own politically correct hubris. Winning!

• Trump says he's very proud of himself and that now we should force Obama to reveal what a terrible student Trump heard Obama was.

• Godlikeproductions notes that the supposed birth certificate is missing a seal. And if you have no seal, well, then what you have is Seal Beach (Orange County inside joke, sorry).

• Market Ticker sees that there are problems with aliased pixels. And that sounds like alien pickles. Si¢k fu¢ks. 

• Is Hawaii even a state? I mean, no place should be considered a state unless you can travel there from another state in a conestoga. I mean, that's just Being American 101. Also, Hawaii used to be a kingdom, and we don't roll that way. Statehood attempt FAIL!

• Even if this fake birth certificate were accepted as genuine, Obama is still not a natural born citizen because he doesn't have two parents who were born in the United States. The new fake certificate proves it, because it proves Obama's father was Barack Obama Sr, who was a British subject, and that makes Obama Jr not eligible. This, apparently, was the whole point of the birther movement all along... if the birth certificate is real, which it is not. Yeah, I'm confused, too. 

• I'd also like to add that this supposed birth certificate is green, and everything I've seen pictures of from 1961 was black and white. I'm pretty sure color wasn't invented until the late 1960s, unless you were a Nazi. Need I say more?

Is that a javelin in your hand or are you just happy to be a Nazi?

UPDATE 2:
Dangit! it looks like the PDF layers and stuff are easily explained, according to the National Review Online.

But (and this is me channeling the Tea Party), you can't spell RINO without N, R, and O.