How things work: Garlic's influence on longevity

For centuries if not millennia, garlic has been used as a palliative for all sorts of things from fever reduction and gangrene prevention to cholesterol lowering vampire off-warding. 

Korean creation mythology even involves a garlic-eating bear who was turned into a beautiful woman (which is next week's topic on How Things Work), though I'm not sure what that has to do with good health. 

Though some scientists suspect it is the allicin in whole garlic that produces the reported salutary effects, no one is certain and tests are inconclusive. One connection, though, is clear, and that is garlic's apparent power to increase life expectancy. The mechanism for this goes according to the following.

Part A. For garlic obtained in its natural state, here's How Things Work™:

1. Garlic stinks. Stinks like a muther fv¢ker*. 
   
2. You consume the whole garlic in the form of ethnic food (e.g., Korean or Italian).
   
3. Now you stink. 
   
4. Not just your breath, but the sweat coming out of your pores.
   
5. No one of the opposite sex wants to get anywhere near you, and certainly not close enough to initiate sexual contact of any kind.
   
6. Decreased sexual opportunity translates into decreased exposure to risk of deadly STDs (e.g., HIV, antibiotic-resistant chlamydia, HPV, and dementia-induing syphilis that causes you to engage in unnecessarily reckless automobile operation).
   
7. You live longer than the people who got any of the above disorders.
   
8. You die miserable and alone (and smelling of garlic), but at least you were here longer. Woo hoo! Kudos to you and your mad longevity skills. 
   

Part B. For garlic consumed through supplements, here's How Things Work™:

1. No matter how many times they slap "odor control formula" on the box, that stinks as well.
   
2. Supplements enter the stomach.
   
3. Gastric juices dissolve the supplement's outer covering.
   
4. Noxious garlic gas is released.
   
5. You stink just the same as if you had eaten a bowl full of authentic Sicilian pasta topped with a jar of kimchi. 
   
6. You're too much of a gullible idiot to grasp that you now stink despite the promises on the box. The evil, lying box. 
   
7. Continue from #4 in Part A.  
   

*Kimchi, pulgogi—pretty much all Korean food—will make you stink like an m.f. as well. The minute you open a jar of kimchi at home, your property values will go down $5000. For neighbors within a 100-foot radius, it's $2000. They should sue you.