George W. Bush as a Simpsons character

Anyone who knows me off-line knows that I am a huge fan of the Simpsons. Sure, there were a few seasons that really sucked and it's only now on the upswing again, but there are few television programs ever that match the witty satire of The Simpsons. So great is my love of OFF (Our Favorite Family) that besides Korea-related blogging, my other major on-line time consumer (not counting work, of course) is co-monitoring the mailing list attached to the premier on-line source of information related to the show. In fact, as co-monitor, I have even been interviewed by the American press in relation to shows (here's an example [see here if that link doesn't work] which originally appeared in the Baltimore Sun).

So when this silly little quiz came through the pipeline, I thought I would check it out. Who wouldn't want to know what Simpsons character they're most like? Well, I already know I'm a mixture of Bart's mischief, Lisa's intelligence and unwillingness to bend to the will of the masses, and Smithers's dedication to ass-kissing (though not his sexual orientation).

So instead I thought I would plug in what I presume to be the answers by someone else, in this case the President. Finding out who Dubya most closely resembles could be a hoot, especially if he turns out to be the nefarious Mr. Burns, the closeted Mr. Smithers, or the incompetent Chief Wiggum.

Now, you may think it unfair for me to answer questions for George on his behalf, but in my defense, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove do it for him all the time. So here goes.

For each question, select the option that best describes your personality then.
1. Brave?
I wrote "disagree." If he were brave, he would have ended up in Vietnam instead of defaming those who were there (I'm talking about Senator McCain as much as Senator Kerry).

2. Loyal?
I wrote "strongly agree." By all accounts, he is very loyal to his friends and associates, almost to a fault (I'm looking your way, KR).

3. Responsible?
I wrote "disagree." Playground name-calling with egomaniacal dictators? Egging on terrorists with "Bring it on!"? Calling the War on Terror a "crusade"? The War in Iraq? Only his attempts to actually do something about illegal immigration prevented him from getting "strongly disagree."

4. Materialistic?
I wrote "agree." The guy is rich, but that doesn't automatically make one materialistic. But using your connections to make truckloads of money, though, might suffice.

5. Scheming?
"Strongly agree." Using terrorism as an excuse to invade Iraq? Come on.

6. Easily confused?
"Strongly agree." If you don't know why, then you haven't been paying attention.

7. Lucky in love?
"Agree." She's not my type (though she might have been when she was younger), but Laura Bush seems like a class-act. Plus she pushed Dubya to get rid of a lot of his bad habits. She and Billy Graham (who is also credited with helping Bill Clinton end his womanizing). I would say Dubya is lucky to have her.

8. Lazy?
"Agree." He puts the lazy in lazy-faire.

9. Good sense of humour?
"Disagree." He certainly thinks he has a great sense of humor, judging by those clips on David Letterman. He sure can be a smug som-bitch, though.

10. Greedy?
"Agree." See #4.

11. At one with nature?
"Disagree." Sure, he likes to get his hands dirty when he weeds his ranch, but someone trying to promote drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge or who has made his millions from oil can't really be described as "one with nature." He has room for improvement (and there may be some hopeful signs in the future).

12. Smart?
"Disagree." A smart person would understand the importance of watching one's tongue in public.

13. What would be your ideal gift?
A pony
A cool, refreshing Duff
World domination
The ideal man
This one's too obvious: World Domination. And you're either for him or against him.

14. Open-minded?
"Disagree." You're either for him or against him.

15. Spiritual?
"Strongly agree." Jesus is his co-pilot. Just wish he'd listen to Him sometimes.

16. Irritable?
"Agree." When he talks about his personal feelings, sometimes it sounds like something's stuck in his craw. Whatever that means.

17. Misunderstood?
"Agree." And I don't just mean when he makes up new words or discards proper English syntax. All joking aside, I think his views on the importance of promoting democracy are misunderstood as rhetorical excuses to promote American dominance. (But then again, maybe I'm misunderstanding his evil intent.)

18. Incompetent?
"Strongly Agree." Besides the Iraq War and foreign relations in general, there are too many incidents with slow-moving vehicles, like Segways and bicycles, as well as with snack foods.

19. Generous?
"Agree." His efforts to give money to solve things like AIDS are commendable. At heart, I think he is probably a decent guy; I just don't want him for my president.

20. Affectionate?
"Agree." When I met him at the White House, he kissed me on both cheeks and gave me a two-minute bear hug. Also, he's very good with his children.

21. Do you like children?
"Yes." The extra seven minutes he spent with those elementary school kids when America was under attack by al Qaeda really underscores this point.

So, who does our president most closely resemble? The answer is Sideshow Bob.

Sideshow Bob (voiced by Kelsey Grammer of Frasier fame) is a bungling schemer who has also appeared in a Simpsons episode as a Republican candidate for office who uses his political connections to settle scores. He also went to Yale.

Sigh. Surely there are reasons for impeachment other than lying about having been fellated.